


Winter Land

by AngelsFallFirst



Category: Nightwish
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-02-26 05:32:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13229088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelsFallFirst/pseuds/AngelsFallFirst
Summary: December, Christmas, family, love, music and a winter land ...What will happen if two people who haven't spoken in ages are forced to team up again?





	1. December 24

"Where will you spend Christmas this year?"  
Either in Spain or Caribbean, Tarja had answered.  
Now she was laughing about that answer, as she was spending Christmas in Finland.  
Working.  
Her brothers had asked her to help, well, actually they had asked her to spend Christmas with their father and them. And yet she was here, cooking, decorating, baking and wrapping gifts while the men were in the living room drinking wine. Why? Because she was a woman?  
Tarja was angry, she loved Christmas and had looked forward to the holy night but now she wished she hadn't said yes to a celebration with her whole family.  
Her husband and daughter, yes, that was what she had intended. A nice and small celebration but instead she was here, cooking for six, while the others spend the day in front of the television.  
Then she was sad. She had looked forward to some family time and now she wouldn't get that. She never saw her brothers and had gladly accepted the invitation - and now they treated her like a maid. Well, not exactly like a maid but - like a mother.  
Tarja remembered the time when her mother had still been alive, she had practically done the same things. Washing, cleaning, cooking. While Tarja and her siblings had watched TV.  
Tarja wiped her tears away. She needed to get out.  
Now. Just somewhere. Out of here.  
She grabbed her warm boots, jacket and bonnet and was already about to flee, as a soft voice held her back.  
"Where are you going?"  
Tarja looked at the questioning look of her five year old daughter and sighed.  
"I won't go away far, my dear. I Just have to clear my mind a bit."  
"Can I come with you?" Naomi asked. "The others don't want to watch children's movies with me."  
Tarja sighed again. This was so typical men. "Of course, baby. Come here."  
She dressed her daughter and together they went to the car. It was Tarja's car in those seldom times she was in Finland, she didn't have to ask for permission to get it. She put her daughter to the backseat, safety went first, and then crawled onto the driver's seat.  
"What do you want to listen to?" Tarja asked. "Finnish Christmas music? Metal?"  
"Can we listen to that Frozen song again?" Naomi asked and Tarja connected her phone to the car.  
"What, Let It Go?"  
"Nooo! That ice thing. From Sharon's band!"  
I should have known, Tarja thought with a chuckle and typed Ice Queen into the searching bar. Then she started the car and drove away.

This was what she needed. Snow all around her, as she was driving in a winter wonderland, metal hammering into her ears ...  
The snow started to fall more and Tarja suddenly had a bad feeling about this.  
She was a good driver but this was too much. She couldn't see anything anymore, drove so slow already that going by foot would be faster.  
She looked back at her daughter, she was staring out of the window. Deep in thoughts. Tarja smiled and looked at the street again.  
And started screaming. She swung the car round in her try not to hit the tree, and crashed into a snow hill.  
Now she could not go back nor forth.  
"Okay. Don't panic," Tarja mumbled and looked at Naomi again. "Are you okay?"  
"I am. What happened?"  
"Nothing bad, I just lost control over the car."  
"And now we're stuck."  
Tarja said nothing first. "Yes," she then sighed and tried to drive back again. Nothing.  
Desperately she checked her phone, but of course there wasn't any connection. It was her Spanish phone, thus she had no single network here. Not even the emergency call worked.  
"Wait here."  
She got out of the car but regretted it immediately.  
It wasn't only icy cold, also the freezing wind blew into her face, hard snow flakes crashed onto her skin. She walked around the car and notices that the front wheels were deep in the snow. If she succeeded to dig them out ...  
So she started digging. With her hands and nothing else. After a few minutes she gave up, even though she was wearing gloves, her hands already felt like they would turn into ice cubes soon. So what now? Walk? Tarja didn't want to leave her daughter alone and she couldn't take her with her.  
For a minute she stood there, clueless about how to go on.  
So she crawled back into the car.  
"I'm afraid we're stuck," she said. "I can't call help."  
"Oh," Naomi said. "So ... what will happen?"  
"We will wait until someone comes past here," Tarja said. Hopefully.

The snow fell more and more and soon the windows were completely white. Tarja couldn't see through the windows anymore. And now she was really desperate. If she couldn't see anything, would people see the car?  
She had turned on the heating, simply because of her daughter. She didn't mind about herself freezing but nothing in this world would let her make her daughter freeze.  
And then it also turned dark again. Tarja curses the darkness in winter. It was only three in the afternoon!  
Silent tears ran down her cheeks. What could she do? She was too weak to scream for help, she had tried that. Besides, she couldn't scream until someone might cross their way ...  
Time passed and Naomi started getting bored. "Could you put on some music?" she asked and Tarja sat up. Music! That was the idea!  
She created a playlist with the hardest and loudest metal songs she knew and then she turned up the volume the the highest.  
"Are you crazy??" Naomi shouted. "My ears hurt!"  
"Maybe this way someone will find us!" Tarja shouted back and covered the small ears of her daughter. "I'm so sorry, baby..."

Tarja didn't count the amount of songs they listened to.  
Maybe ten. Maybe twenty. Maybe even more. Tarja was done, she had given up hope. She was leaning against the cold window, her forehead was frozen against it. Naomi was crying. Now she had realised that she would never see her daddy again. And her uncles. And Tarja would never see her fans again.  
"Mum," Naomi sobbed. "We can't die ..."  
"And we won't die," Tarja mumbled. "We'll just spend Christmas eve here..."  
"But there's no one to save us -," Naomi started. But then she saw something. "Mummy!" she screeched. "There's someone! Someone is scratching the ice off the window!"  
Tarja teared her face away from her window and stared at the window in front of her. And indeed. Someone was scratching the ice off.  
"There's a man!" Naomi screeched. "A man outside, he'll save us!"  
"Wonderful," Tarja breathed and tried to open the car door.  
But it was frozen.  
"Fuck ..."  
Suddenly the man knocked at the window and Tarja understood. Quickly she turned the music off.  
"I'll help you! Keep calm!" the man shouted and Tarja nodded at him.

Tuomas had immediately recognised her. As he had scratched off the ice of the window and peeked inside, he had first seen the light face of the blonde girl. Then he had seen her.  
No one else than Tarja.  
His Tarja.  
Tarja Turunen.  
But what should he do, not help her because she was Tarja? Let her and her daughter die inside this car only because what had happened between them?  
Tuomas grabbed the shovel and started digging. He spent every winter here, he had been stuck often enough. Tarja had spent most of her winters where, in Argentina? Spain? The Caribbean? Definitely nowhere where this could happen.  
He dug the car out and then knocked again. "Start the car! And turn the heat on, the doors are frozen! I'll try to scratch off the ice!"  
Tarja did what he said. She crawled back to the driver's seat again, turned up the heat and started the car.  
While the man outside scratched off the ice, Tarja did everything to make the car drive again. And suddenly it worked.  
The car moved!  
"WOHOO!" Tarja screamed and hit her foot on the gas pedal.  
And the car went back. And was free.  
"High five!" She turned to Naomi, who gladly accepted the high five.  
"We're free! And we'll be back for Christmas!"  
"Of course we will," Tarja said with a smile. "But first I'll thank out saviour."  
She tried to open the door and after a few tries it really worked. The fracking noise signalled her that she was breaking the ice that was still frozen, so she pushed harder. And the man outside pulled the door open.  
Together they made it, the door crashed open and the man stumbled back.  
"Phew!" Tarja went outside. "What an adventure. I'm so glad you passed by -"  
In this very moment she recognised him.  
He didn't look at her, he actually avoided her look pretty much. But of course she recognised him anyway, the hair, that nose, his beard. It was dark. But she was sure that the light of her car didn't betray her.  
Suddenly her mind was turning.  
It was too much. This whole day had been like in a bad movie already, then the accident and now their saviour was ...  
And then her mind went black.

Tuomas looked up as Tarja fell down. He immediately realised that she had fainted, that's why he lifted her up and put her into the car. The passenger's seat. "Hello," he said to the girl. "Was a hard day for your mommy, huh?"  
"You can bet," Naomi answered. "Is she sleeping?"  
"I think she fainted. But don't worry, kid, I'll bring you two to a safe place."  
"I'm Naomi," Naomi said. "What's your name?"  
Tuomas put the seat belt on Tarja and sat down on the driver's seat. Starting the car, he said, "I'm Tuomas."  
"Will you bring us home, Tuomas?" Naomi asked.  
"Sorry but no. I don't know where you live." Of course he knew where Tarja's father lived. And her brothers. He'd never forget that. "I'll bring you home. To my wife."

And that he did. After a very short drive of not even a minute, he stopped the car and told Naomi to follow him. Together they went into the house.  
"Told you, Johanna. There was someone."  
A red haired woman walked out of the kitchen And her eyes widened.  
"Only that girl??"  
"No. Her mother is still in the car. She fainted."  
"Oh my god," Johanna whispered and put her oven mitts away. "Let's get her inside -"  
"Wait," Tuomas said and took his wife's hand. "Johanna. I first have to tell you who it is."  
"You know her?" Johanna asked and Naomi's eyes went wide.  
"You know my mother??"  
Tuomas nodded and then locked his eyes with his wife's. "It's Tarja. Turunen."  
"Yes!" Naomi called and Tuomas' eyes went to the girl. "You really know her! Are you fans of her?"  
"Not really," Tuomas said quietly and looked at his wife again. "Johanna?"  
"Why are you still waiting? Let's get her inside!"

Tarja's eyes fluttered open. She needed a few seconds to realise that she wasn't at home, and after she remembered who had saved Naomi and her, she sat up.  
The surroundings were unknown yet familiar. Of course. Nightwish records everywhere, a piano, drawings of Scrooge McDuck - this could only be the living room of Tuomas Holopainen.  
Tarja rubbed her head. Where was Naomi?  
Quietly she rose from the couch and went towards the door. She pressed an ear against it.  
And really, she could hear her daughter's cute voice. She was blabbing. A lot. About Spain, about herself, about her mother.  
And then there was another voice, a female voice. The woman was listening to Naomi, sometimes laughing. Sometimes she answered her or asked something.  
"Back from the dead?"  
The sudden voice made her twirl around. And there he was, her saviour. The man who had fired her more than twelve years ago. The man who had hurt her in so many ways ... The man whom she had hurt in so many ways.   
"Hello, Tarja," he mumbled.  
"Tell Naomi we're going home," Tarja said icily and went to the big window to peek outside.  
For a while Tuomas didn't move. Then he opened the door.  
"Girl? Your mother woke up and she wants to go."  
Tarja felt her insides burn. Girl?? Your mother?? He couldn't even say their names?!  
"Aww," Tarja could hear the girl. "But Johanna and I are having so much fun."  
Johanna was here. Of course. Tarja started shaking all of a sudden. She had no interest in meeting the wife of this man ...  
But obviously Johanna had very much interest in meeting her.  
She jumped up and ran to the living room.  
"Tarja! Mrs Turunen? How can I call you?"  
"Tarja is okay," Tarja replied with a smile as she turned around. Seeing Tuomas' wife, his wife, was so strange.  
The woman whom he had chosen to love right after her. Tarja knew all too well that he had used this woman to get over her. She forced herself to smile. She was stunning. And so much younger than her ...  
"I'm Johanna. But I guess you knew that. Uhm - I'm glad you're alright."  
Tarja nodded shortly. "Thanks for looking after my daughter. Namu? We'll go."  
She grabbed her daughter's hand And pulled her towards the entrance. She didn't even think of thanking Tuomas for saving them, why should she? He had to take the first step, after all he'd done to her. But he was nowhere to be seen.  
Johanna brought them outside, gave Tarja's car keys to her and wished her a nice Christmas eve. It was really awkward.  
Usually Tarja wasn't unfriendly or repellent, but this was Tuomas' wife. Tuomas' house.  
She pulled her daughter away from said house, stuffed her back into the car and got inside herself.  
Tuomas watched her from the bedroom window.  
His heart ached. This was the worst Christmas eve he had ever had.


	2. Chapter 2

Marcelo was angry at Tarja.  
First she took their daughter and drove away without saying a word, then she had a car accident and didn't even plan to thank her saviour! Then she had been in thoughts almost the whole evening and later she had told him, that she wasn't in mood for more than a short good night kiss!  
Luckily Naomi couldn't remember their saviour's names, she described Tuomas as "a shy man" and Johanna as "his very nice wife". So Marcelo had no clue. Tarja also hadn't told him that she had been unconscious for about fifteen minutes.  
"Why don't you give them a bottle of wine?" Marcelo pushed his wife. "They saved your lives and you don't even want to thank them!"  
If Marcelo only knew who had saved their lives. He would probably grab his wife and daughter, jump onto the next plane and fly back to Spain as fast as possible.  
But Tarja knew that she couldn't go back. A long time ago she had promised herself not to take the first step when it came to Tuomas. Besides that, it was his birthday today. She didn't want to disturb him.  
So she ignored her husband, who continued being angry at her.  
Later that day though, the telephone rang. Tarja's father picked up, as it was his house. "Turunen Teuvo speaking?"  
Tuomas on the other line exhaled. That old number was still up to date.  
"Hello, Mr Turunen. Sorry to disturb but could I talk to Tarja for a minute?"  
Tuomas could hear the man breathe. Didn't sound that voice familiar? "Who's there?"  
"That's not important. But don't worry, Tarja knows me."  
"Where do you have the number from?" Teuvo asked on.  
"Tarja gave it to me yesterday," Tuomas lied, "so I could make myself sure that she's alright after her accident."  
"So you are her saviour," Teuvo mumbled. "Wait a second. Tarja!"  
And Tuomas waited. His hands were sweaty and his whole body was shaking. Those few words she had spoken with him the day before and he was still totally taken aback. Her voice was -  
"Hello?"  
Angelic.  
"It's Tuomas."  
"I know. My father said my saviour had called."  
"Are you alright?" Tuomas asked carefully.  
"I'm fine." Tarja sank her voice. "Why are you calling?"  
"I don't know," Tuomas started but then he shook his head. "No. That's not true. I wanted to apologise that I simply walked away yesterday."  
Tarja didn't reply.  
"I know that's not what I should apologise for."  
Tarja still didn't reply.  
"Tarja ..."  
"I'm waiting."  
"What for?" Tuomas scratched his head.  
"For a proper apology. How many more years do I have to wait? Twelve isn't enough yet?"  
"It is," Tuomas breathed. "Do you want to come over?"  
Tarja almost dropped the ear piece. "Now? Sure - eh - won't I disturb your party?"  
"Which party?" Tuomas had to smile lightly.  
"Well - it's your birthday today, remember?"  
"I do remember. I'm surprised you still remember."  
Tarja blushed. "Of course ..."  
"There's no party," Tuomas sighed. "No one has time so I won't be angry if you said no."  
"No. I mean yes. I'll come over." Tarja's heart started beating. He was about to apologise. Properly?  
"Great," Tuomas said and hoped he hadn't sounded too excited. "See you soon."  
"Very soon. I'll just throw something over and jump into the car."

Throw something over.  
Tarja had lied like never before. After jumping in the most sexy party dress she had found, she had definitely thrown something over - but only so Marcelo couldn't see her outfit. And now, walking towards the house, she cursed herself in every language she knew. Why had she done that?? Johanna would be there too. Maybe because she wanted to feel better because of her? Because Johanna was younger, taller, had a better body and Tarja felt like an old hag next to her? Or because of Tuomas? She gripped the bottle of wine. Should she even undress? She could stay in that coat and -  
Her thoughts got interrupted by Tuomas. "Don't you want to come in? Why haven't you knocked?"  
"I - uh - I thought I had pressed the door bell."  
Tuomas smiled. "Nice to see you again ... come in."  
Tarja followed him. It didn't look festive, not at all. No birthday decoration, no Christmas decoration. Only the small tree.  
"This is for you," Tarja said and held the bottle towards him. "Or us. However you decide."  
"Wow, thanks. I love red wine."  
Tarja looked at him. "Me too."  
For a while they were quiet. Until Tuomas spoke up.  
"Can I take off your coat?"  
"Wait!" Tarja said as he already reached for it. "Where - is your wife?"  
"Not here. She went off to visit her parents."  
"On your birthday??"  
"I told her to. I wanted to be alone with you."  
Tarja's shoulders fell. "Okay ..."  
Tuomas sighed. He wasn't looking at her. He just couldn't. "Take off your coat and have a seat, please."  
Tarja inhaled deeply before she pulled off her coat. And Tuomas' mouth went dry.  
She was wearing a short, deep red Christmas dress. It reached until the midst of her thighs and had a deep cut out. Short sleeves. It made her look even thinner than she already was. And hotter than hell.  
"Aren't you - cold?"  
Tarja shook her head and sat down.  
"Can I at least offer you wool socks??"  
Tarja laughed. "I'm fine. I'm living in Spain but I'm still used to coldness."  
"You're the ice queen," Tuomas said with a gentle smile.  
Tarja had to think of the conversation with her daughter yesterday. But unlike Naomi, Tuomas was simply too much of a Disney freak.  
"Are you talking about Elsa, or -"  
Tuomas couldn't hide a blush. "Yes. How -"  
"I have a five year old daughter, Tuo."  
Tuomas winced at the sound of his old nickname. "Right. Naomi. She's ... cute."  
The singer had to smile. "She's the light of my life."  
"I'm glad."  
"You two should get children too. It's a blessing."  
"Oh no. Not me. Johanna wants a baby but I don't." Tuomas seemed disturbed about the image of him being a father.  
"Whatever," Tarja said and shrugged. "You wanted to talk?"  
"Yes. But I don't know how to start."  
"Take a seat next to me," Tarja suggested. "And you could pour us some wine."  
Tuomas laughed and did what the woman told him to. Minutes later they cheered.  
"Happy birthday," Tarja said and smiled at him.  
Tuomas realised that it was an honest smile. The honest Tarja smile from years ago, before she had changed so much. That gorgeous, breathtaking Tarja smile he had fallen in love with. And said smile made him talk. He clinked his glass against the singer's.  
"Cheers." They took a sip and then Tuomas started.  
"Those years after were the hardest for me. Slowly I realised that you were gone. It sounds bad but in the beginning I was happy. But then ... day after day ... the feeling hit me more and more. It was like the realisation was slowly crawling into my mind and eating my soul more with every day. First my soul was healed. But then, after weeks, I had fully realised that you would never talk to me again. And I fell into a depression. It was a real depression, Tarja. Nothing child like or simply lovesickness, oh no. I got diagnosed and had to take antidepressants for months. I had to - but I didn't. I've always been a masochist, so I welcomed this feeling ... I didn't go outside, I couldn't bear daylight anymore. But that was where both Dark Passion Play and Imaginaerum were born. So no matter what I did - it was the best for us both. I only realised a while ago, but now look at you. You are ... so successful. And you're back to your real self."  
He smiled at her.  
"That was a sad story," Tarja said. "But it wasn't really an apology."  
"I wanted you to understand why I did it before I'm going to apologise," Tuomas said and took another sip of the red liquid.  
"Tarja. Imagine ... imagine you're the moon. And the moon is madly in love with the sun. What's the problem?"  
"They could never meet."  
"Exactly. He has not a chance of loving her, never ever. She's too much out of his reach."  
Tarja didn't say a word. She knew, he had been the moon. And she had been the sun.  
"Or imagine you're water. And you're madly in love with fire."  
"Same thing. The water would kill the fire," Tarja said and added in her mind, So I was fire and you were water.  
"Exactly. Or imagine you're a man who fell for a woman so hard that everytime you're looking at her, your heart breaks. Because you can't have her. Because she is so much out of your reach. Because she's taken. Because she only saw you as a good friend - if even - for years. Imagine that, Tarja."  
Tarja had tears in her eyes. This time it was clear what he meant.  
"You were that woman for me," Tuomas whispered.  
"I know," Tarja answered quietly and Tuomas looked at her.  
"But - you've always said you had no idea -"  
"When?" Tarja laughed dryly. "When did I ever say I had no idea about your feelings?"  
"Don't make me say it ..." Tuomas threw a desperate look at the woman, who stared at him coldly. "Okay. Interviews. Remember? Whenever someone asked you about me and ... if you thought that I loved you ... you've always said no. Definitely not. Or, you have to ask that to him. It hurt quite a lot."  
"Oh, so what should I have said in your opinion? Yes, he did? Would you have liked to hear that on the radio? Or Johanna! I wanted to protect you, that's all."  
"Protect me? After all I've done -?"  
"Tuomas," Tarja sighed. "When have I ever been mean? Or vengeful?"  
"Never."  
"Exactly. This is a private thing and private things should stay private. I never intended to tell anyone about this secret love you fostered for me."  
"But you ... knew." Tuomas was damaged. He had actually thought he'd open his love to her, she would realise and tell him that she had always loved him back. But nothing like this.  
"I'm not stupid, Tuomas."  
"Of course you aren't."  
Tuomas felt like crying. How could he have been so stupid to think that she loved him? If she did, would she have married Marcelo?  
"And now?"  
Tarja's voice brought him back to reality. "What do you mean?"  
"Do you ... still ... like me?" Tarja avoided his look.   
"How couldn't I like you," Tuomas said softly and watched her swallow a sip of wine with redded cheeks. "I never hated you, if you mean -"  
"That's not what I meant," Tarja interrupted him. "What do you ... feel for me now? Do you still ... love me?"  
Now or never, Tuomas thought. "I thought I didn't. But then I saw you and realised ... yes. More than anything."  
"Oh my god," Tarja whispered and stood up. "I shouldn't have come here. Especially not with that dress - how could I?! Oh my god." She grabbed the empty glass of wine. And realised that she couldn't drive. Well, she could but it was still too dangerous. The wine had done its job fast, Tarja's mind was turning. Or was it turning because of the recent love declaration? And then the snow was falling heavily, the roads were icy ...  
"Don't go."  
"See you," Tarja decided and grabbed her coat. "Was nice to talk to you, Tuo. Really. Maybe - one day - we can look at each other normally again. And also go on the streets without getting stared at. Okay, this will never happen but - argh. See you."  
"Tarja ..." The man followed the woman to the door like a helpless puppy.  
"It was nice, really." Tarja put her hand on the doorknob. "Tell Johanna hello from me. And -"  
Tarja got silenced.  
By Tuomas.  
By his lips on hers.  
Her eyes were ripped open and her hands were pressed against his chest, trying hard to push him away. He didn't react, only pressed his lips harder on hers, so she started hitting him. She hit her fists on his chest as hard as she could, and finally he pulled back. "Tarja -"  
"Don't say a word!" she hissed, opened the door and vanished into the cold, dark winter wonderland.


	3. Chapter 3

Tuomas watched her. She walked to her car, fast but careful. She unlocked her car. And then she stood there and stared. Only stared. He waited for her to get into the car - but she didn't.  
For two minutes or more she simply stood there and stared. And then she turned around and went back to his house.  
Tuomas' heart almost stopped as she did so.

Tarja's inside had fought.  
The angel on her one shoulder and the devil on her other shoulder had almost killed each other in a heated fight.  
Are you crazy!? You're married! the angel had exclaimed. Your daughter is waiting too!  
But it's Tuomas, the devil had whispered into her ear. Tuomas. You haven't seen him for twelve years and come on, he still loves you. Do you really want to hurt him again? Admit it, Tarja. You also still feel for him.  
The devil had won and stabbed the angel with his trident.  
And Tarja had returned to the house.

Tuomas prayed that she didn't change her mind again and really - a few seconds later the doorbell rang.  
He sprinted to the door and opened it. And there she was.  
Her mouth was a thin line, her hair was a little messy, her make up looked smeared. Had she rubbed her eyes? But anyway she looked gorgeous.  
"Hi," Tuomas whispered and Tarja forced a smile.  
"Can I enter?"  
"Of course. Come in. I'm glad you changed your mind."  
"Only because ..." the door fell close and Tarja couldn't remember what she had wanted to say. She suddenly found herself against the wall.  
"Because?" Tuomas asked gently, his hands resting on her waist.  
"Because ..." Tarja whispered and closed her eyes. She didn't know why but she just did.  
And even though she hoped that Tuomas wouldn't get the hint, she was also glad that he did. His lips landed on hers again, not forcing or anyhow hard this time, no, his lips were gentle and caressed hers like he tried to find out if he could go further.  
And Tarja allowed him to.  
She parted her lips gently and let him travel his tongue along her lips. Carefully she touched his tongue with hers and Tuomas pulled her closer. Her hands found grip at his shirt and she opened her mouth a little more. Accepting the invitation, he deepened the kiss. Soon they were making out passionately, tasting each other, exploring each other. At some point her hands had travelled down his shirt and found their way beneath his shirt; right now she was gripping his skin, digging her freshly manicured nails into his flesh.  
His hands had travelled to her thighs, just to lift her up. He was between her legs now, with his middle pressing against hers.  
He pulled away abruptly, as she gasped for air.  
Tuomas had his eyes still closed but none of them moved. Tarja looked at him, he looked so ... peaceful. Not like she usually saw him (or had seen him), no, he looked really calm and relieved.  
"Tuomas -"  
"Shhh ..." He opened his eyes and caught her smiling. "Thanks. I needed this."  
"And now you're going to throw me out or what?" Tarja asked. "I'm still hanging on - literally."  
But Tuomas didn't let her down. "I'm not throwing you out. You can leave whenever you want."  
"When will Johanna be back?"  
Tuomas couldn't answer. He was speechless.  
"Tuo, seriously. What if Johanna will come back and see us like this?"  
"I wouldn't care," Tuomas said weakly. "I've never had you like this."  
"Tuomas, we're both married," Tarja said gently, whereupon the man leaned his forehead against hers.  
"I only married her with the hope to forget you one day."  
"Didn't work, huh?" Tarja couldn't help but feel honoured.  
"No, you're everywhere. Especially here." He placed her delicate hand on his chest, where his heart was racing as if he had been running a marathon.  
"This is cheesy as hell," Tarja whispered. But she enjoyed it. It had been such a long time ago Marcelo had had shown even a bit tenderness towards her, she couldn't even remember the last time it happened.  
"Cheesy but true."  
Tarja smiled. "When will Johanna be back?"  
"Tomorrow around lunch time," Tuomas answered, still not letting her go down.  
"Tomorrow?! But it's your birthday today..."  
"And Christmas day, which she wants to spend with her family."  
Tarja was silent for a while. "Everything okay between you two?"  
"Sure, why shouldn't it?"   
"Because it's your birthday. And I am here instead of her." Tarja eyed the man. What was wrong?  
"I asked her to go because I wanted to spend my birthday alone. That's what I said to her."  
"And she left without a single argument?" Tarja asked on. She knew she would hit the roof if Marcelo asked her for that favour.  
"Of course not. We fought madly but she understood after a while. I told her I wanted to be alone. That I needed time alone, to think about everything and so on."  
"About what, your relationship? You're already married, Tuomas!" Tarja rolled her eyes.  
The keyboarder let out a chuckle. "But she wants children. And I don't want children as long as I'm in the band. And at the same time I don't want to call the band off. This would kill a million fans."  
"So ... you prefer having your band instead of a child?"  
"Who doesn't?" Tuomas said bitterly.  
"I got a baby. I still have a band."  
"You also have a husband who doesn't have a band. Both Johanna and I both do, one of us would have to cut their career back. And both of us don't want to."  
Tarja didn't say anything. Tuomas put her back to the ground.  
"Was your daughter planned?"  
"No," Tarja answered honestly. "It was quite a surprise as I found out. I thought I was incapable to have children on my own, my gynaecologist back in Finland told me so. But back then I was twenty-five or something."  
"Where you happy?"  
"I was as happy as never before in my life." Tarja could only be honest. His blue eyes looked so ... sad. "You'd be a great father. Reading Disney stuff to your child ..."  
Tuomas didn't answer. There was no way this scenario was real, him and Tarja talking about children. He had kissed Tarja. They had made out.  
"Do you want to leave? Or ..."  
"Do you want me to leave?" Tarja's question wasn't angry, she would perfectly understand if he kicked her out.  
"No," Tuomas answered honestly. "I haven't seen you in ages, we have a lot to catch up on."  
"Yes. Let's talk. First, about that kiss -"  
"It never happened." Tuomas nodded. That's for sure.  
"Okay," Tarja said, took his hand and led him back to the sofa.

They talked for an hour.  
But even though each of them had sat on an end of the couch, the space between them had slowly become less and less, until their shoulders were touching.  
And their hands.  
And after some gentle caresses, their lips.  
They kissed gently, not like before. Slowly. Enjoying. And after some minutes, they pulled away.  
"This is ..."  
"Interesting."  
They looked at each other and laughed.  
"So -," Tuomas started. "Do you want to stay the night?"  
"I better not," Tarja declined. "Marcelo can be quite -"  
"Dominating?"  
Tarja let her eyes sink. "Yes."  
"But you're the boss. You've always been the boss."  
"I know. And he hates it. As soon as I start acting like ... myself, you know? I like to nag about his bad habits and he hates that. He leaves his socks on the floor, I scream around, he suggests a divorce."  
"What??"  
"Not like that ... He says, If everything I do annoys you, why don't you get divorced from me? I started thinking he really wants to ..."  
Tuomas slung his arms around Tarja. "So that's why you kissed me ..."  
"We both don't have a happy marriage," Tarja said sadly. "The only difference is, that I've been married for fourteen years already, you for two."  
"It doesn't matter for how long I've been married," Tuomas said. "I'm ... I'm not happy."  
Tarja didn't say anything for a while. Then:  
"What if we ... what if we made a commitment? Whenever one of us feels trapped in the marriage or ... unsatisfied ..." Tarja bit her lip. "We could meet."  
Tuomas' mouth went open. Had she, she, Tarja, just suggested to have an affair??  
"Uhm... why not, yes."  
"Cool," Tarja said a little out of breath. "Can I give you my number?"  
Tuomas nodded. This was a dream, it had to be a dream.

Tarja returned to her home. Before she had left, she had checked and re-done her make up, which had been smeared from kissing, tears, sweat and fallen snow. She managed to steal herself past Marcelo, ran upstairs and change from her sexy dress into normal things. She let the dress vanish in the laundry basket quickly, it smelled too much like foreign man.  
She couldn't believe she had an affair.  
"You were gone long," Marcelo noted as Tarja ran upstairs but she could hear that he didn't mind that much.  
"Yeah. We've had a nice chat." And some nice coitus. He's seriously so good in bed.  
Tarja cursed herself for her thoughts. And for what she had done. Why hadn't she just left? But no, she had to go back. And that's why kissing led to talking, talking led to kissing again and finally kissing led to sex.  
She sat down on the edge of the bathtub. And all those things they had said during ... they had exchanged apologies, love declarations, kisses, moans, caresses, ...  
Tarja rubbed her eyes again. What if Marcelo found out? What if the world found out?  
No. They couldn't do that.  
The commitment is off, she typed but didn't dare to send. One day she'd regret, she knew it. One day she'd need him.

And one day she did. It was almost a year later, two days before Christmas. She had texted him, a person she hadn't even thought of for a whole year. She had asked him if he was at home, she needed to see him. She and Marcelo have had the biggest fight in ages, Tarja had even asked for a divorce. Marcelo had begged her not to, yet Tarja had grabbed her purse and driven off. Now she was standing at the spot she had been standing for hours a year ago, waiting for Tuomas to text back.  
I'm at home but not alone. Let's go somewhere?, he replied a few minutes later and Tarja laughed quietly. Where? Everyone knew them here, they couldn't go to a hotel ...

So they stayed in the car. After passionate love making she told him what was up.   
"I really want to get a divorce but at the same time I don't. Naomi ... She doesn't deserve this. And the interviews I would be forced to give afterwards. No. I'm not getting divorced."  
"That's good." Tuomas caressed her face. "You shouldn't get divorced."  
"Why do you think so? I thought you hated Marcelo??" She stared at him.  
"Yes, but I love you," was his gentle answer. "And I want you to be happy."  
"But - I'm not happy," Tarja whispered. "We're only fighting and I hoped ... that maybe you and I could make it official ..."  
"Our affair?" Tuomas asked in shock.  
"Our relationship," Tarja whispered and blushed. "We could both get a divorce and then we could be together... why are you shaking your head?"  
"I'm not getting a divorce," Tuomas said and took a breath. He had to tell her. She would find out sooner or later anyway. "Johanna is pregnant."  
"Fuck," Tarja said but then she backed away. "You just - you just fucked me!" she exclaimed. "Even though you have a pregnant wife at home! Damn, you more of an asshole than I've already known."  
She started collecting her clothes while Tuomas watched her helplessly.  
"You know that I don't want to have children," he started but it didn't help.  
"You're an asshole, really. Why didn't you tell me??"   
"Because you needed some release," Tuomas defended himself but that didn't work either. Tarja got dressed again.  
"Congratulations," she breathed, "for being a daddy. You'll be a great father, you'll see. Please don't ever contact me again, as you haven't done that for twelve years. And now leave my car."  
"Can I first get dressed?" Tuomas asked.  
"No!" Tarja bellowed.  
And then Tuomas grabbed his clothes and left the car. Naked he was standing in a cold, dark winter land and watched Tarja driving away.


End file.
